Kim Jong Il and Kim Jong III

Today I found this picture of Kim & Son, and I thought it was one of those pictures that you could write essays about the symbolism, but a picture is worth a thousand words anyways, so I’ll just leave it at that.

First photos of Kim Jong III!

After years of speculation and vehement denial from North Korea’s useful idiot Alejandro Cao de Benos (who ith Spanith, tho he liketh tapath and thangria. And Vicky Chrithtina Barthelona), North Korea finally officially made Kim Jong Eun the heir to Kim Jong Il’s kingdom of impoverished Koreans. And finally, the world got their first glimpse of the recent him at North Korea’s Workers Party Congress, something that hasn’t happened since before Zooey Deschanel was born. And he looks like this!

He's the one on the left

And as you can see, he’s…erm…well, let’s just say that he’s not “slender”. I mean, it’s not a bad thing, he looks pretty self-conscious in that first photograph so I don’t want to make him feel worse about himself than he already does, because even if you have a million-man army, it doesn’t really help if you don’t feel good about who you are. Plus if I make fun of his…big-bonedness, he can probably use North Korea’s Computer Numerical Control magic to track me down and end my blog. Or he’ll cry, and I’ll feel real bad about making a to-be despot cry.

Jimmy Carter and the Kiss of Death

So yesterday, reports surfaced that Jimmy Carter was preparing for a visit to North Korea to rescue a silly American who got caught there a la Bill Clinton. Apparently, getting captured in North Korea is become the surest way to meet a former president. But I digress.

I was discussing the matter with my boss today, and he noted that the last time Jimmy Carter visited North Korea and met their Eternal Leader Kim Il Sung, Kim Il Sung died just a month later. Later I checked and verified this information. It was almost exactly a month after Jimmy Carter visited North Korea in June 1994 that Kim Il Sung died. Coincidence? Mayhaps.

But in another bizarre turn of events, it happens that Jimmy Carter also visited South Korean president Park Chung Hee in late June, 1979. Guess what also happened that year? In December President Park was assassinated. Now do you think it’s a coincidence?

Now, Kim Jong Il isn’t in the best state of health, much less healthier than his dad was in 1994, so it wouldn’t be surprising to see him kick the bucket even tomorrow. His son Kim Jong Eun is speculated to succeed in 2012, but I don’t think he’ll live to see that day. But if Jimmy Carter shows up in the near future? I’d say that’s a definite death sentence. Kim Jong Il should be terrified. So, so terrified.

HE WILL DESTROY YOU

World Cup Schadenfreude: Portugal’s Repeat of 1966 (Except they scored all the goals this time)

There is nothing quite as satisfactory as seeing something go horribly wrong for someone you don’t really like. And even if you like them, it may not be the best thing in the world, but it’s still pretty hilarious in a horrifying sort of way. Since it’s World Cup season and so many things have gone wrong already for so many teams (not to mention the effing vuvuzelas), I have decided to write a bit about my favorite clusterfucks so far. Here’s the first installation!

In 1966, invincible North Korean Chollima defeated Fascist scum Iterri under wondrous guidance of Great Reader Kim Il Sung and show their might to the trembring capitarist world. Then victorious Chollima face even worse Fascist scum Portugal and lead 3-0. Then Chollima is seduced by vices of the West and lose 5-3 and shame their country and the Great Reader, necessitating a trip to the rabor camps for treacherous defeat. 44 years rater, Chollima face Portugal again after victory against Brazil (1-0 according to the North Korean Central News Agency), sure of victory because of guidance of Dear Reader Kim Jong-Ir and Brirriant Comrade Kim Jong-Un, who direct field with invisible communication line and train North Korean team in victory tactics. Although FIFA attempts to cut down on North Korean brirriance by not arrowing third goarkeeper to pray as striker because he is actuarry a striker and not a goarkeeper, North Korea wirr emerge victorious.

Start of game is auspicious for the soldiers of the Dear Reader. Capitalist degenerate Cristiano Ronaldo is unable to use trickery to deceive ever-vigirant North Korean defense, who tower above the field like Mount Baekdu, grorious birthprace of Dear Reader. And then Portugal scores a goal. And another goal. And another goal. And another goal. And another goal. And oh, Cristiano Ronaldo juggles the ball on his head before flicking it in! And another goal!

Also, did I mention that North Korea decided to broadcast the game live? So all of North Korea (or at least the people rich enough to afford televisions) bore witness to their great team, representing the wisdom of the Dear Leader, getting utterly thrashed by the Portuguese? Man oh man, what a terrible decision to not screen the match ahead of time 😀

"What can I say?"

North Korea came into the tournament as the ultimate underdogs, but no one was feeling very sympathetic for them. I mean, you know you’re doing something wrong if Zimbabwe makes you feel unwelcome. I mean, sure, leave politics out of sports, but when any international achievement is twisted to prop up a defunct regime, when players are in danger of being persecuted and imprisoned if they don’t perform, I think international sporting bodies have some sort of moral obligation to kick them out of the tournament orprotect them. Or should we just continue with the bread and games?

WTF North Korean Picture of the Day

I don’t know why. I don’t know how. I don’t know who. But who cares?

Seriously, WTF?