So I finally got around to watching Invictus today. You know, the movie with Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela and something about uniting the divided country of South Africa through rugby? Yeah, so I was watching the movie and the rugby World Cup scenes were particularly interesting, because THERE WERE NO VUVUZELAS. South African tradition my ass.
Why, it's the lionhearted stalwart of Ingerlernd, Tiny Tears!
John Terry, former skipper of the Three Lions, lauded by the British press as the ‘English Bulldog’ and other completely undeserving and nonsensical superlatives, was not happy after England manager Fabio Capello stripped him of his captaincy. After all, he didn’t do anything wrong. He just slept with his former club teammate’s girlfriend and arranged for her to have an abortion, never mind the fact that he’s already married. Soccer-sorry, football players aren’t supposed to be role models, just people that children look up to, right? So Fabio Capello totally had no right to take away his armband for making things really awkward in the locker room and making the second-choice leftback of the English team retire from international soc-football, yeah?
So anyway, in a pathetic chav attempt to get back at Fabio Capello, Terry figured that he could get the team to revolt against the coach, since they were utter shite against the Colonies and the French Colonies through the manager’s disastrous tactics and absolutely no fault of their own (except for Wayne Rooney. He singlehandedly prevented the team from winning by being where the ball was supposed to be and not where the ball was bouncing off the opposition). So he publicly announces to the press (who have been nothing but supportive for the Three Lions except in all those matches where they played s-football) that he’s going to speak to the coach about various grievances that the players(read: he) have, including being treated like teenagers (because tattling to the press is so mature) and whatnot, and that he’s got the backing of the team. Turns out, he didn’t really have the backing of the team, and the players weren’t too happy about being lumped together with Terry in his pathetic coup attempt. So that fizzled out, and now Terry’s on Capello’s bad side. And you don’t want to be on Fabio Capello’s bad side.
- This is Capello when he’s happy. Imagine what would happen if he were upset?
There is nothing quite as satisfactory as seeing something go horribly wrong for someone you don’t really like. And even if you like them, it may not be the best thing in the world, but it’s still pretty hilarious in a horrifying sort of way. Since it’s World Cup season and so many things have gone wrong already for so many teams (not to mention the effing vuvuzelas), I have decided to write a bit about my favorite clusterfucks so far. Here’s the first installation!
In 1966, invincible North Korean Chollima defeated Fascist scum Iterri under wondrous guidance of Great Reader Kim Il Sung and show their might to the trembring capitarist world. Then victorious Chollima face even worse Fascist scum Portugal and lead 3-0. Then Chollima is seduced by vices of the West and lose 5-3 and shame their country and the Great Reader, necessitating a trip to the rabor camps for treacherous defeat. 44 years rater, Chollima face Portugal again after victory against Brazil (1-0 according to the North Korean Central News Agency), sure of victory because of guidance of Dear Reader Kim Jong-Ir and Brirriant Comrade Kim Jong-Un, who direct field with invisible communication line and train North Korean team in victory tactics. Although FIFA attempts to cut down on North Korean brirriance by not arrowing third goarkeeper to pray as striker because he is actuarry a striker and not a goarkeeper, North Korea wirr emerge victorious.
Start of game is auspicious for the soldiers of the Dear Reader. Capitalist degenerate Cristiano Ronaldo is unable to use trickery to deceive ever-vigirant North Korean defense, who tower above the field like Mount Baekdu, grorious birthprace of Dear Reader. And then Portugal scores a goal. And another goal. And another goal. And another goal. And another goal. And oh, Cristiano Ronaldo juggles the ball on his head before flicking it in! And another goal!
Also, did I mention that North Korea decided to broadcast the game live? So all of North Korea (or at least the people rich enough to afford televisions) bore witness to their great team, representing the wisdom of the Dear Leader, getting utterly thrashed by the Portuguese? Man oh man, what a terrible decision to not screen the match ahead of time 😀
"What can I say?"
North Korea came into the tournament as the ultimate underdogs, but no one was feeling very sympathetic for them. I mean, you know you’re doing something wrong if Zimbabwe makes you feel unwelcome. I mean, sure, leave politics out of sports, but when any international achievement is twisted to prop up a defunct regime, when players are in danger of being persecuted and imprisoned if they don’t perform, I think international sporting bodies have some sort of moral obligation to kick them out of the tournament orprotect them. Or should we just continue with the bread and games?