Monthly Archives: April 2010

Remembering Better Times

I was eating a cookie-two cookies, actually, when I realized how awesome cookies are. Then I remembered a friend who liked cookies a lot.

And then the self-righteous healthy-eating lobby had to ruin everything.

WTF?

Oh, so are cookies now sometimes foods? FALSE.

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View Arbitrary Post Button!

It has recently occurred to me that there are some posts on this blog that I have no recollection of writing. I blame my drug-fueled, devil-may-care, write-three-posts-a-day period of my youth. And my failing memory. Anyway, I found that some of these posts are actually worth reading. You know, just because I don’t think I’ve read them before. And I know there are only about 5 people who’ve read most of the stuff on my blog, and I convince myself that more people read than that. But it’s a hassle to click through page after page, especially when there are an undisclosed number of posts. Therefore, in order to make my life easy, I’ve created a “View Arbitrary Post” button on the sidebar, which should help me read random posts from the past, or possibly the recent present. OR EVEN THE FUTURE. It’s a great procrastination tool! So yeah, if you want to read an arbitrary post from this blog, click on the silly face to your right. It’s pretty hard to miss.

ARTISTIC PHOTOS

PORTRAYING EVERYDAY THINGS ARTISTICALLY.

A SKYLIGHT. LOOK AT THE VIBRANT COLOURS AND THE BIT OF CEILING TO THE LEFT.

LOOK AT THE TURBULENT SKYS THAT FORESHADOW A SINISTER FORCE AMONG THE TREETOPS.

THE UNCERTAINTY DEFINITELY MEANS SOMETHING OF SIGNIFICANCE. LIKE A MOVIE ABOUT TIDAL WAVES IN LAKE MICHIGAN.

Google Search Words from a Recent Lunchtime Conversation

Context: We were talking about North Korea. I swear. Because North Korea manufactures drugs, you see? And they sell them. And someone uses them. Maybe North Koreans. Yeah…

Aphrodisiac

Rohypnol

Effects of Rohypnol

Usage of Rohypnol

Rohypnol with other drugs

How to obtain Rohypnol

Price of Rohypnol

Missionary (we were discussing the state of Christianity in North Korea. It’s complicated, so I’ll leave it at that.)

Crystal meth

Ingredients of meth

How to make meth

Price of meth

Opium

Opium cultivation

How to make heroin

Consumption methods of heroin

Price of 1kg of heroin

Napalm recipe

At this point, we decided that we were probably raising red flags in at least 6 different law enforcement agencies, so we decided to stop talking.

“Why can’t I find any nice guys?”

…is a question oft asked by many of my female friends. In general, it’s an inquiry born of laziness that implies that I should go find them a nice guy (because you know, I am not) that they deserve or something. I believe it’s part of the “right to a nice guy” of the Bridget Jones clause in the Romcom Constitution. Because that’s a real thing. Anyway, I feel like it’s a question that many nice guys (not me, of course) are asked unjustly, and they deserve to have some sort of snarky way of putting these girls who do not appreciate them back in their rightful place. So here are a couple:

Scenario #1: The Harsh Reality

Girl: Why can’t I find any nice guys?

Guy: Think carefully about yourself. What makes you think a nice guy would want to be found by you?

Girl: …

Scenario #2: The Right-Back-At-Ya

Girl: Why can’t I find any nice guys?

Guy: Why can’t I find any nice girls?

Girl: …

Guy: HMM? WHY DON’T YOU ANSWER MY QUESTION? DON’T YOU KNOW ANY “NICE GIRLS” OR AM I JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM?

Girl: …

Scenario #3: The Calling Out

Girl: Why can’t I find any nice guys?

Guy: Have you actually tried looking for one?

Girl: Yes, I have-

Guy: At [insert name of fraternity]? Seriously?

Girl: …

Guy: OH SNAP!

Scenario #4: The Guilt Trip

Girl: Why can’t I find any nice guys?

Guy: Well, remember when you broke [insert name of noncontroversial boy whose heart was broken by girl]’s heart? Did he deserve that?

Girl: Well…

Guy: What do you want a nice guy for? To break his heart again?

Girl: I’m sorry…

Guy: Oh, are you?

Scenario #5: The Semantics

Girl: Why can’t I find any nice guys?

Guy: Define ‘nice’.

Girl: Well, [insert description of a perfectly adequate male who could become a romantic companion for some time].

Guy: Nope, that’s not how I define ‘nice’.

Girl: …

Scenario #6: The Being Difficult

Girl: Why can’t I find any nice guys?

Guy: Oh, yeah, thanks a lot.

Girl: What?

Guy: Hello? Am I not a nice guy?

Girl: Well yeah, but-

Guy: What do you mean, ‘but’? Weren’t you looking for a nice guy?

Girl: That’s not what I meant.

Guy: Then what did you mean?

Girl: You know…

Guy: If I knew, I don’t think we’d be talking about why you apparently can’t find me.

Girl: Well, you know what I mean…

Guy: I don’t think I do. Because I’m a nice guy, you’re looking for one, I am here found by you, therefore, by the simple properties of logic, it is impossible to see how you could not find a nice guy. Unless you don’t think I’m nice, but you’ve already said I am, so that issue is ruled out. So what is it then? Is there some other meaning that I have yet to comprehend from your oh-so complicated question? Should we discuss the semantics of each and every word you used in that sentence? There are only seven of them, so it shouldn’t take us that long, should it?

Girl: You know, just forget about it.

Guy: Forget about what?

I Am Become Death

J. Robert Oppenheimer, master of nuclear physics, not-so-great with the English grammar*. Also, whose first name is J.?

*In his defense, it makes perfect sense in French. “Je suis devenu la mort,” which would in real English be “I have become death.” But he’s not French. So it makes no sense.

Portrait of Great Leaders of the Powerful Socialist People’s Republic of the True Korea of the Day

"Great Leader, I have invented this marvelous device called the Red pointer, which our socialist comrades will use to bring VICTORY AGAINST THE FASCIST IMPERIALIST SCUM and any unruly bourgeois maps! Their tears shall will this great revolution to everlasting glory!" "You have done well, General. The blood of capitalism shall flow freely on the fields of immortal communism on this auspicious day."