There is nothing quite as satisfactory as seeing something go horribly wrong for someone you don’t really like. And even if you like them, it may not be the best thing in the world, but it’s still pretty hilarious in a horrifying sort of way. Since it’s World Cup season and so many things have gone wrong already for so many teams (not to mention the effing vuvuzelas), I have decided to write a bit about my favorite clusterfucks so far. Here’s the first installation!
In 1966, invincible North Korean Chollima defeated Fascist scum Iterri under wondrous guidance of Great Reader Kim Il Sung and show their might to the trembring capitarist world. Then victorious Chollima face even worse Fascist scum Portugal and lead 3-0. Then Chollima is seduced by vices of the West and lose 5-3 and shame their country and the Great Reader, necessitating a trip to the rabor camps for treacherous defeat. 44 years rater, Chollima face Portugal again after victory against Brazil (1-0 according to the North Korean Central News Agency), sure of victory because of guidance of Dear Reader Kim Jong-Ir and Brirriant Comrade Kim Jong-Un, who direct field with invisible communication line and train North Korean team in victory tactics. Although FIFA attempts to cut down on North Korean brirriance by not arrowing third goarkeeper to pray as striker because he is actuarry a striker and not a goarkeeper, North Korea wirr emerge victorious.
Start of game is auspicious for the soldiers of the Dear Reader. Capitalist degenerate Cristiano Ronaldo is unable to use trickery to deceive ever-vigirant North Korean defense, who tower above the field like Mount Baekdu, grorious birthprace of Dear Reader. And then Portugal scores a goal. And another goal. And another goal. And another goal. And another goal. And oh, Cristiano Ronaldo juggles the ball on his head before flicking it in! And another goal!
Also, did I mention that North Korea decided to broadcast the game live? So all of North Korea (or at least the people rich enough to afford televisions) bore witness to their great team, representing the wisdom of the Dear Leader, getting utterly thrashed by the Portuguese? Man oh man, what a terrible decision to not screen the match ahead of time 😀
North Korea came into the tournament as the ultimate underdogs, but no one was feeling very sympathetic for them. I mean, you know you’re doing something wrong if Zimbabwe makes you feel unwelcome. I mean, sure, leave politics out of sports, but when any international achievement is twisted to prop up a defunct regime, when players are in danger of being persecuted and imprisoned if they don’t perform, I think international sporting bodies have some sort of moral obligation to kick them out of the tournament orprotect them. Or should we just continue with the bread and games?