Monthly Archives: June 2010

TEATIME FUCK YEAH

WARNING THERE MIGHT BE SOME BAD LANGUAGE IN THIS POST. OH WAIT, IT’S ALREADY IN THE TITLE. WHATEVER.

SO TODAY I WAS AT THIS ALL-DAY CONFERENCE LISTENING TO A BUNCH OF ACADEMIC TYPES TALKING BLAH BLAH BLAH WAY OVER THEIR DESIGNATED TIME LIMITS, SO I STOPPED LISTENING AND DREW A PICTURE OF THREE TIE FIGHTERS CHASING AN X-WING IN THE SHADOW OF THE SECOND DEATH STAR. BECAUSE THE BATTLE OF ENDOR ISN’T ABOUT THE MON CALAMARI CRUISERS FIGHTING STAR DESTROYERS AND SHIT LIKE THAT, IT’S ALL ABOUT THE LITTLE PEOPLE. AND I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE EWOKS, THAT’S OFFENSIVE. ROGUE SQUADRON FTW. ALSO I WASN’T FEELING LIKE DRAWING MON CALAMARI CRUISERS BECAUSE I HAD JUST EATEN LIKE TEN MACARONS AND THOSE CRUISERS LOOK KINDA LIKE MACARONS WITH LITTLE MACARONS STUCK ON THEM. LIKE SOME STUPID DECORATION YOU’D SEE IN SOME HIGH SOCIETY MANHATTAN SOCIALITE SEX AND THE CITY BULLSHIT. BUT HEY, THOSE MACARONS WERE DELICIOUS. LIKE, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU TAKE FIVE COOKIES, EAT TWO, THEN PUNCH THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU BECAUSE THERE’S ONLY ONE COOKIE LEFT AND YOU THINK THEY ATE THE OTHER TWO BUT YOU REALIZE THAT YOU UNCONSCIOUSLY ATE THOSE AS WELL? YEAH IT WAS LIKE THAT.

SO THE PANEL ENDED AROUND 4 , AND THAT’S LIKE TEATIME SO I WAS LIKE “TEATIME FUCK YEAH” AND MADE MY WAY TO THE FANCY REFRESHMENTS TABLE AND MADE MYSELF A CUP OF ROOIBUS TEA BECAUSE IT TASTES GOOD AND HAS ANTIOXIDANTS AND OTHER SHIT THAT’S GOOD FOR YOU. AND IT WAS AWESOME BECAUSE THE TEABAG WAS ALL FANCYPANTS AND MADE OF SILK AND PROBABLY COST LIKE SIX DOLLARS A CUP AT THE VERY LEAST IF YOU ORDERED IT IN A CAFE OR SOMETHING. BUT IT WAS FREE, SO IT DIDN’T COST THAT MUCH. BUT TEATIME WITH JUST TEA IS LIKE WWII WITH JUST THE GERMANS. DON’T FORGET THE JAPANESE, DUDE. OR IN THE CASE OF TEATIME, FINGER FOOD. SO I GOT LIKE TWO OF THOSE BITE-SIZED SANDWICHES WITH CUCUMBER AND SMOKED SALMON BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, ONE OF THEM ISN’T ENOUGH AND MORE THAN THREE OF THEM ON A PLATE MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A MOOCH. AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO LOOK LIKE A FUCKING MOOCH DURING TEATIME. AND I ALSO GOT SOME BREAD CIRCLE THING TOPPED WITH TURKEY SALAD AND LEAVES, AND SOME BISCUITS THAT LITTLE GIRLS ONLY DREAM OF WHEN THEY PLAY TEATIME WITH THEIR DOLLS.

SO I WENT BACK TO MY SEAT AND LET THE TEA BREW TO GET ALL THE GOOD STUFF, BUT NOT TOO LONG CAUSE THEN IT TASTES DISGUSTING AND WHY’D YOU DO THAT ANYWAYS? SO YEAH, I DRANK THE TEA, ATE THE SANDWICHES, ATE THE BISCUITS AND FELT AWESOME. TEATIME IS AWESOME.

I JUST FOUND GUM IN MY POCKET. THAT’S SO COOL.

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A sad realization

So yesterday, I went to a concert featuring the New Pornographers. I really like the New Pornographers, but I was also really excited to see their opening band, the Dodos. But I also realized that their other opening band, the Dutchess and the Duke, whom I’d never heard of before, was also really good. I started thinking to myself, “wow, there are so many good bands out there that I’ve never heard of.” Not in a “I like bands so new that they don’t exist yet” sort of way, but in the sense that there are a lot of talented musicians out there that I should spend time listening to. Unfortunately, I realized that I probably have a very large backlog of good music that’s worth listening to.

My calculations go like this: assuming that on average, a new hour of music worth listening to emerges every day, that’s still about 40 minutes too much for me. I like to listen to songs multiple times, because I usually don’t start liking a song until the 3rd or 4th listen. Some songs take even longer (I still don’t understand why Radiohead’s In Rainbows is the greatest thing of all time or whatever). And if I really like a song, I like to listen to it over and over again.  So I fall behind catching up at my regular pace. And that’s just counting new music. If I try to think about all of the 1000 albums I have to listen to before I die and the several thousand more that are probably just as good that have been recorded in times past, that’s just depressing.

So I realized that I’ll never be able to listen to all the good music in the world before I die. I probably won’t even get through the most critically acclaimed music either. So what do I do? Well, I could go the Pitchfork ‘sour grapes’ way and hate on all the music that I don’t have the physical time to listen to and outright dismiss the majority of good music out there, or accept that I should be happy that I have the chance to listen to good music, any good music, while there are children in Africa that have no choice but to listen to the BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ of vuvuzelas.

Invictus

So I finally got around to watching Invictus today. You know, the movie with Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela and something about uniting the divided country of South Africa through rugby? Yeah, so I was watching the movie and the rugby World Cup scenes were particularly interesting, because THERE WERE NO VUVUZELAS. South African tradition my ass.

World Cup Schadenfreude: John Terry’s Failed Mutiny

Why, it's the lionhearted stalwart of Ingerlernd, Tiny Tears!

John Terry, former skipper of the Three Lions, lauded by the British press as the ‘English Bulldog’ and other completely undeserving and nonsensical superlatives, was not happy after England manager Fabio Capello stripped him of his captaincy. After all, he didn’t do anything wrong. He just slept with his former club teammate’s girlfriend and arranged for her to have an abortion, never mind the fact that he’s already married. Soccer-sorry, football players aren’t supposed to be role models, just people that children look up to, right? So Fabio Capello totally had no right to take away his armband for making things really awkward in the locker room and making the second-choice leftback of the English team retire from international soc-football, yeah?

So anyway, in a pathetic chav attempt to get back at Fabio Capello, Terry figured that he could get the team to revolt against the coach, since they were utter shite against the Colonies and the French Colonies through the manager’s disastrous tactics and absolutely no fault of their own (except for Wayne Rooney. He singlehandedly prevented the team from winning by being where the ball was supposed to be and not where the ball was bouncing off the opposition). So he publicly announces to the press (who have been nothing but supportive for the Three Lions except in all those matches where they played s-football) that he’s going to speak to the coach about various grievances that the players(read: he) have, including being treated like teenagers (because tattling to the press is so mature) and whatnot, and that he’s got the backing of the team. Turns out, he didn’t really have the backing of the team, and the players weren’t too happy about being lumped together with Terry in his pathetic coup attempt. So that fizzled out, and now Terry’s on Capello’s bad side. And you don’t want to be on Fabio Capello’s bad side.

This is Capello when he’s happy. Imagine what would happen if he were upset?

World Cup Schadenfreude: Portugal’s Repeat of 1966 (Except they scored all the goals this time)

There is nothing quite as satisfactory as seeing something go horribly wrong for someone you don’t really like. And even if you like them, it may not be the best thing in the world, but it’s still pretty hilarious in a horrifying sort of way. Since it’s World Cup season and so many things have gone wrong already for so many teams (not to mention the effing vuvuzelas), I have decided to write a bit about my favorite clusterfucks so far. Here’s the first installation!

In 1966, invincible North Korean Chollima defeated Fascist scum Iterri under wondrous guidance of Great Reader Kim Il Sung and show their might to the trembring capitarist world. Then victorious Chollima face even worse Fascist scum Portugal and lead 3-0. Then Chollima is seduced by vices of the West and lose 5-3 and shame their country and the Great Reader, necessitating a trip to the rabor camps for treacherous defeat. 44 years rater, Chollima face Portugal again after victory against Brazil (1-0 according to the North Korean Central News Agency), sure of victory because of guidance of Dear Reader Kim Jong-Ir and Brirriant Comrade Kim Jong-Un, who direct field with invisible communication line and train North Korean team in victory tactics. Although FIFA attempts to cut down on North Korean brirriance by not arrowing third goarkeeper to pray as striker because he is actuarry a striker and not a goarkeeper, North Korea wirr emerge victorious.

Start of game is auspicious for the soldiers of the Dear Reader. Capitalist degenerate Cristiano Ronaldo is unable to use trickery to deceive ever-vigirant North Korean defense, who tower above the field like Mount Baekdu, grorious birthprace of Dear Reader. And then Portugal scores a goal. And another goal. And another goal. And another goal. And another goal. And oh, Cristiano Ronaldo juggles the ball on his head before flicking it in! And another goal!

Also, did I mention that North Korea decided to broadcast the game live? So all of North Korea (or at least the people rich enough to afford televisions) bore witness to their great team, representing the wisdom of the Dear Leader, getting utterly thrashed by the Portuguese? Man oh man, what a terrible decision to not screen the match ahead of time 😀

"What can I say?"

North Korea came into the tournament as the ultimate underdogs, but no one was feeling very sympathetic for them. I mean, you know you’re doing something wrong if Zimbabwe makes you feel unwelcome. I mean, sure, leave politics out of sports, but when any international achievement is twisted to prop up a defunct regime, when players are in danger of being persecuted and imprisoned if they don’t perform, I think international sporting bodies have some sort of moral obligation to kick them out of the tournament orprotect them. Or should we just continue with the bread and games?

Shigeru Miyamoto on Girls

Shigeru Miyamoto, the man who singlehandedly created the Nintendo empire by creating characters like Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Star Fox and innovative consoles like the Nintendo DS and the Wii, offered his opinion on cats and girls today while explaining the newest Nintendogs game, Nintendogs + Cats.

“So you know cats are interesting. They are kind of like girls. If they come and talk to you it’s great. But if you try to talk to them it doesn’t always go so well”

The man is wise beyond mortal comprehension.

Caldwell’s Law

“There’s always a frisbee at the end of a run”

Interpret that as you wish.