“Why can’t I find any nice guys?”

…is a question oft asked by many of my female friends. In general, it’s an inquiry born of laziness that implies that I should go find them a nice guy (because you know, I am not) that they deserve or something. I believe it’s part of the “right to a nice guy” of the Bridget Jones clause in the Romcom Constitution. Because that’s a real thing. Anyway, I feel like it’s a question that many nice guys (not me, of course) are asked unjustly, and they deserve to have some sort of snarky way of putting these girls who do not appreciate them back in their rightful place. So here are a couple:

Scenario #1: The Harsh Reality

Girl: Why can’t I find any nice guys?

Guy: Think carefully about yourself. What makes you think a nice guy would want to be found by you?

Girl: …

Scenario #2: The Right-Back-At-Ya

Girl: Why can’t I find any nice guys?

Guy: Why can’t I find any nice girls?

Girl: …

Guy: HMM? WHY DON’T YOU ANSWER MY QUESTION? DON’T YOU KNOW ANY “NICE GIRLS” OR AM I JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM?

Girl: …

Scenario #3: The Calling Out

Girl: Why can’t I find any nice guys?

Guy: Have you actually tried looking for one?

Girl: Yes, I have-

Guy: At [insert name of fraternity]? Seriously?

Girl: …

Guy: OH SNAP!

Scenario #4: The Guilt Trip

Girl: Why can’t I find any nice guys?

Guy: Well, remember when you broke [insert name of noncontroversial boy whose heart was broken by girl]’s heart? Did he deserve that?

Girl: Well…

Guy: What do you want a nice guy for? To break his heart again?

Girl: I’m sorry…

Guy: Oh, are you?

Scenario #5: The Semantics

Girl: Why can’t I find any nice guys?

Guy: Define ‘nice’.

Girl: Well, [insert description of a perfectly adequate male who could become a romantic companion for some time].

Guy: Nope, that’s not how I define ‘nice’.

Girl: …

Scenario #6: The Being Difficult

Girl: Why can’t I find any nice guys?

Guy: Oh, yeah, thanks a lot.

Girl: What?

Guy: Hello? Am I not a nice guy?

Girl: Well yeah, but-

Guy: What do you mean, ‘but’? Weren’t you looking for a nice guy?

Girl: That’s not what I meant.

Guy: Then what did you mean?

Girl: You know…

Guy: If I knew, I don’t think we’d be talking about why you apparently can’t find me.

Girl: Well, you know what I mean…

Guy: I don’t think I do. Because I’m a nice guy, you’re looking for one, I am here found by you, therefore, by the simple properties of logic, it is impossible to see how you could not find a nice guy. Unless you don’t think I’m nice, but you’ve already said I am, so that issue is ruled out. So what is it then? Is there some other meaning that I have yet to comprehend from your oh-so complicated question? Should we discuss the semantics of each and every word you used in that sentence? There are only seven of them, so it shouldn’t take us that long, should it?

Girl: You know, just forget about it.

Guy: Forget about what?

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