TYPING WITH CAPS LOCK ON IS FUNNY

YOU KNOW, THERE’S SOMETHING INHERENTLY FUNNY ABOUT TYPING IN ALL CAPITALS. EVEN THE MOST MUNDANE THINGS SEEM ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL. FOR EXAMPLE, “TODAY I LOOKED OUTSIDE AND IT WAS RAINING SO I WAS GOING TO BRING MY UMBRELLA BUT I REALIZED THAT I HAD BROKEN MY UMBRELLA SOMEHOW WITH A SET OF EARPHONES. I WAS SAD AND WET.” IF I HAD SAID THAT NORMALLY, IT WOULD’VE BEEN SAD AND PROBABLY ONE OF THOSE THINGS PEOPLE TWITTER ABOUT AND NO ONE REALLY READS UNLESS THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO AT THE OFFICE. BUT IT’S FUNNY, BECAUSE IT’S IN ALL CAPITALS. CAPITALS ARE LIKE THE NON-ITALIAN’S HAND GESTURES. THEY SPICE THINGS UP. A LOT. SO I THINK I’LL USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO TELL A BUNCH OF STORIES THAT AREN’T VERY ENTERTAINING BUT I FEEL LIKE THEY SHOULD BE TOLD. YOU KNOW, FOR RECORDS OR WHATEVER.

SO ME AND MY FRIENDS WERE DRINKING ONE NIGHT, AND THEN I DECIDED THAT WE SHOULD GO OUT TO A BAR, BUT NO ONE REALLY WANTED TO GO VERY FAR AND TAKE THE METRO OR SOMETHING, SO WE DECIDED TO GO TO A CAFE-BAR DOWN THE STREET. UNFORTUNATELY I FORGOT TO BRING MY ID SO I GOT A ROOT BEER INSTEAD. IT WAS DELICIOUS. MY FRIEND GOT BREAKFAST SINCE YOU KNOW, IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT AND THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY’RE DRUNK.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. SO THE WAITRESS IS TRYING TO OPEN ONE OF THOSE JARS OF SUGAR THAT YOU HAVE AT DINERS FOR YOUR COFFEE AND STUFF, AND SHE CAN’T GET IT OPEN, RIGHT? SO SHE GIVES IT TO US AND SAYS “THE FOOD’S ON THE HOUSE IF YOU CAN GET THIS OPEN.” AND SO ALL OF MY FRIENDS TRY TO GET IT OPEN, BUT I REALIZE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS (I’M NOT THE ONE OPENING IT) SO I IMMEDIATELY TAKE THE JAR AND WIGGLE THE TOP A BIT AND VOILA! I GOT THE JAR OPEN AND MY HAND WAS COVERED IN SUGAR. AND SO WE GOT OUR FOOD FOR FREE. I SHOULD HAVE ORDERED SOMETHING MORE SUBSTANTIAL. AND WE SHOULD HAVE LEFT A TIP OR SOMETHING BEFORE WE LEFT, BUT WE FORGOT.

SO I WAS AT A BAR AND WANTED AN OLD-FASHIONED, SO I ASK THE BARTENDER IF HE CAN MAKE ME ONE. HIS REACTION WAS LIKE, “HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS??? YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW THAT!!!” AND THEN HE MADE ME AN OLD-FASHIONED. IT WAS GREAT. I LOVE COCKTAILS WITH MARASCHINO CHERRIES.

YEAH, I THINK THERE ARE A COUPLE OTHER STORIES BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER RIGHT NOW. WHATEVER.

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