The Secret Diaries of Jesus H. Christ: Mark 8:27-30

27 Then Jesus and his disciples set out for the villages around Caesarea Philippi. On the way he was asking his disciples, “Who do people say I am?”

Dear Diary,

Was feeling very self-conscious about Myself today. After a few drinks while bar-hopping in Caesarea Philippi (spring break woooo), was convinced that people were pointing and staring at Me, probably judging Me. Was not wearing a very flattering robe. Could not help but ask the Discips what people thought of Me.

28 They answered him, “Some say John the Baptist, others Elijah, and still others one of the prophets.”

They completely missed the point. Told Me that I look like cousin John. No wonder they mistake Me for him, he’s always around the house when I’m there. Lazy bum. If he’s not in the wilderness being a drama queen, he’s always kneeling in front of Me and fawning and proclaiming the arrival of the Savior and whatnot and making Me embarrassed. Makes for awkward family portraits.

29 Then he began to ask them, “But who do you say I am?”

Peter answered him, “You are the Messiah!”

Started wondering if they mistook Me for John as well (they don’t seem to be the sharpest tools in the shed), so asked them what they thought of Me. Peter said something about Me being the Son of God and the Messiah, savior of mankind, all that jazz. Typical Peter. What a brown-noser.

But was pretty tipsy and so touched by this vote of confidence that I started crying on Peter’s shoulder. Believe that I may have promised him the keys to Heaven or something equally absurd. He’ll probably take it seriously. Am sure that if people weren’t judging Me before, they were definitely judging Me now. This revelation (haha) made Me cry even harder.

Discips started asking Me embarrassing questions, and being the sad sack that I was, I answered them. Judas asked Me what My middle name was. Should not have told them that it was Homey (long story short, the archangel Gabriel thought he had a sense of humor about him. Hope he’s enjoying his new assignment COUNTING GRAINS OF SAND!). I swear that Judas will be the end of Me.

Eventually passed out on the floor. Am sure I was not a pleasant sight.

30 Jesus sternly ordered them not to tell anyone about him.

After waking up next morning with hangover, told Discips that if they told anyone what My middle name was, I would make them hang out with cousin John. They wouldn’t dare.

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