In Defense of Pope Benedict XVI

Recently Pope Benedict XVI of the Roman Catholic Church (the best Catholic Church of ever, since Irish Catholicism isn’t actually a separate religion. That would be awesome.) has come under intense media scrutiny for allegedly being involved in covering up several sexual abuse cases committed by members of the clergy. Now, regardless of the veracity of these accusations, the blogosphere is all atwitter with calls for the Pope’s resignation and the general destruction of the Catholic Church, because there’s nothing the internet likes more than a punching bag. The fact that the Pope looks and speaks like an evil Nazi villain doesn’t help at all (I blame Spielberg for making all serious German accents seem terrifying. Indiana Jones? Schindler’s List?). Nonetheless, I believe that the Pope shouldn’t resign and stay strong in the face of such adversity.

Vill Benedict have to choke ein bitch?

Why, you ask? Is it because I am a devout member of the Catholic Church who does not go to church and uses Ash Wednesday only as a reference point as to when Mardi Gras is and just remembered this second that it’s currently Lent and therefore he shouldn’t have been eating bacon cheeseburgers and partying on Fridays? Well, sort of, but I have bigger things to worry about than the reputation of the Catholic Church. Things like THE APOCALYPSE.

Warning: The events in the image are more terrifying and closer than they appear

I’m not big on the whole Mayan 2012 doomsday prophecy, but other signs of the ends of time seem to be converging to a point that might be in the vicinity of 2012. Global warming, religious extremism, reality shows? It certainly seems like humanity is hurtling towards an endpoint, doesn’t it?

But most worryingly, I remember the Prophecy of the Popes by Saint Malachy. Now, Saint Malachy was an Irish bishop who reportedly experienced a vision of the future popes (112 in total) and recorded these in cryptic phrases that could be open to various interpretations. Now, he has been pretty accurate with the 111 prophecies so far. I would give you proof, but the internet exists for a reason. Go find the matching interpretations yourself. But anyways, I was convinced. The problem is, there’s only one prophecy left. And frankly, it’s not cheery.

“During the final persecution of the Holy Roman Church, the seat will be occupied by
Peter the Roman, who will feed his sheep in many tribulations:
and when these things are finished, the city of seven hills will be destroyed,
and the formidable Judge will judge His people.
The End.”

Now, that sounds a lot like a doomsday prophecy to me. It’s not like Saint Malachy said (in an Irish accent) “Oh, that’s all I can remember for now, but there were a lot more popes.” No, he said “THAT’S IT! AFTER THAT, THE END OF THE WORLD! COME, FATHER DECLAN MCMANUS, LET US DRINK WHISKY AND GUINNESS!” And probably proceeded to drink his sorrows away. So basically, if we kick this pope out of the Vatican, Peter the Roman will take his place while the Church is being persecuted (THANKS A LOT INTERNET!), and the End of Days will happen, and no doubt a bunch of ghastly events will occur.

Let's put it this way: If Benedict stays as the Pope till November 2012, this will just be a funny image. If he loses the papacy, SAY HELLO TO PRESIDENT-ELECT PALIN.

So in order to keep the Apocalypse at bay, Benedict has to stay. That was an unintentional rhyme. You get the point.


And no, this isn’t an April Fools’ joke. I’m just afraid of things that will increase the likelihood of the coming of the Apocalypse.


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