The Horse Gelder – Henry Potsdam and the Horse Gelder of Jazkeldan

Upon closer inspection, this seems less Henry Potsdam and slightly more Judd Apatow. Blimey.

Setting: After his historic victory over That-Guy-You-Really-Shouldn’t-Be-Talking-About, Henry Potsdam has learned that he needs to get a job, but frankly his education credentials from Higglebarnes isn’t enough and he needs an actual degree in order to get something better than a menial mickey (non-magic person) job. So he enrolls in Stanvardtonbridgeford, the premier sorcery university along with his friends Rummy Wazzlebum and Herman Gingrich. University life is new to Henry , and he is introduced to all sorts of new practices like smoking leaf and random hookups and an enigmatic sorcery brotherhood called “The Fraternity”. Henry himself has joined the equestrian team, which is slightly more legit than quidditch and there’s a favorable boy-to-girl ratio. However, a mysterious figure has started killing the horses in the barn and mutilating them in unspeakable ways and leaving mysterious messages. Naturally Henry thinks that it’s the work of some remaining Knights of Cydonia (followers of That-Guy-You-Really-Shouldn’t-Be-Talking-About) and seeks to solve this mystery and hopefully get into the pants of as many of the pony girls as he can before Rummy’s sister Gin with whom he has a sort of on-and-off thing finds out, leading to more hormonal drama and sexual confusion than the blockbuster hit Henry Potsdam and the Hot-Blooded Queen.

Synopsis: It is the summer after the epic Battle of Higglebarnes and Henry is considered an international hero for saving the world from the menace of the Knights of Cydonia and their evil master, That-Guy-You-Really-Shouldn’t-Be-Talking-About. THe movie opens with a scene where Harry-er, Henry is cuddling with his significant-other-to-be Gin Wazzlebum in a grassy field on a sunny day (see review for G.I. Joe to understand importance of said scene), but is rudely interrupted by some stupid couple who blunders upon the two, presumably to make out shamelessly. Oh, it’s just Gin’s brother/Henry’s best friend Rummy and his girlfriend and Henry pal Herman Gingrich. That’s awkward. So they do what comes naturally: They talk about what they’re going to do with their lives. Did you think I was going to say something else? Henry says he’s already applied to be an Auditor (a sorceror who fights bad sorcerors) and Rum has done so as well, but they haven’t heard back yet. Herman says she’s applied to some other sorcery position in the Sorcery Government of the World, and with her good grades, she’ll definitely get in. And Gin is still stuck at Higglebarnes for her last year. But she’d like to marry Henry. Henry is a little uneasy at this prospect. She’s a nice girl, yeah, but he’d like to explore some more before he settles down, you get my drift? At this very awkward moment, pigeons arrive and drop letters on the four of them. Actually, just Henry, Herman, and Rummy. They receive rejection letters based on their “lack of experience” and “limited educational background”. And they also receive letters inviting them to study at Stanvardtonbridgeford, the premier sorcering university. They are shocked at this news, since their “limited educational background” never informed them of anything beyond Higglebarnes. What, did they think that sorcerors would hire 18 year olds for the top positions?

After this rather brief introduction, we are immediately transferred to move-in day at Stanvardtonbridgeford. Henry arrives at the housing desk and asks when the sorting begins. The lady sneers at him and gives him his assignment, which happens to be So Dominant! (Sodom for short), the same dormitory (or “house”, as he likes to call it) as Rummy’s but across campus from Herman’s dorm which is simply called Dorkdom. No one really knows its real name. So we are introduced to the residents of Sodom, a couple of rich preppy fun-loving boisterous boys from rich sorcery families who immediately take a liking to the heroes Henry and Rummy, and some hot girls named Jaina, Delhi, and Kaslyn who are mysterious and wear funny outfits. Henry later learns that these are equestrian outfits. Anyway, the fun-loving boys ask Henry if he’s going to the party tonight.

Immediate transition to insane party scene where Rum is forced to drink his namesake drink, rum, in copious amounts just because the boys think it’s funny, and Harry-dammit, Henry is enjoying a fizzy potion concoction called a Keystone Ice while chatting with the boys. He wants to know more about the three girls he saw earlier that day, and the boys tell him all about them, since they’re all family friends and whatever, and they tell him that he should join the equestrian club if he wants to “know them better”. Henry says he would rather play quidditch, but the boys say no one plays that stupid game and he should definitely transition to equestrian. Henry asks why they aren’t interested in the pony girls (we shall refer to them as such from now on), and the bros (we shall call the boys as such) laugh and say they’ve got better things to do, like trying to get into the Fraternity (ominous thunder). As Henry tries to inquire into the nature of this “Fraternity”, the Keystone Ice hits him, and it hits him hard, as he’s never had anything stronger than a few I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Butterbeers. The bros have to support him back to Sodom, and he realizes that they left Rum behind, but the bros reassure him that Rum’s having a good time (high fives all around).

The next morning, he meets up with a rather testy Rum, who confesses that he met a girl last night who showed him a “whole new horizon”. Oh yes, sex-ed was rather non-existent at Higglebarnes. This is what Henry thought Rum was implying. But actually, Rum had his first experience with “leaf”, a quasi-legal substance that people at Stanvardtonbridgeford smoked in their wands, apparently (if they bought it for their “potions”, it was okay). Cue psychedelic scene where Rum is absolutely blazing (I believe this is the proper term). But Henry is disgusted with Rum’s behavior, and in his self-righteousness, goes to the stables to join the equestrian team and hopefully snog a pony girl or two. Or three. Snog can be used in that sense, right?

Anyway, it turns out that the equestrian team is in need of some boys (sultry giggle) and so Harry-Henry! joins the team. And they ask Henry if he wants to go to a party tonight. Henry is tired out after the really hardcore partying that he did the previous night where he drank copious amounts of hard alcohol, but the one of the girls, oh let’s say Jaina, tells him that she hopes to see him there (again, sultry giggle). So he goes. And he dances with one of the girls, let’s say this time it’s Delhi, and like OMG totally makes out with her on the dancefloor! High fives all around from the bros, while Rum is smoking leaf again. Delhi whispers in his ear that they should go back to her place (bros poised for potential high fives all around) but suddenly, Harr-enry is disoriented by a sudden vision of some image (sun? grass? WTF?), and decides that he needs to rest, and declines her offer (disappointed bros and totally stoned Ron). She is slightly disappointed, but she says she’ll see him tomorrow;). The bros propose doing something totally hilarious together tonight, but Henry decides to head back home. Henry, being the paranoid silly that he is, thinks this image (sunny grass? What?) has to do with the Knights of Cydonia, and starts worrying.

The next day, Ha-enry wakes up slightly hungover and remembers that he has to go to the barn or something, but he arrives to see a crowd gathered around a stall, where there is a dead horse with its…balls removed. It’s rather disgusting, and the pony girls are all in shock, with Kaslyn being particularly hysterical (as in sad, not funny). Harry decides to comfort her (and hopefully get something out of it) but she is simply inconsolable. Shame on Harry. Did I say Harry again? I mean Henry. Henry Potsdam. Anyway, thwarted Henry notices some mysterious symbols on the wall painted in blood. He decides to enlist the help of Herman, but she’s like totally pissed, cause Rum hasn’t called her in like, two days and she has no idea what he’s doing while she’s stressing out over her classes because she’s dying with like, thirty gajillion classes? So Henry decides to ask the bros if they could help. But they’re being all mysterious-like and Henry thinks they’re up to something with this Fraternity. So he’s got two mysteries to solve. And where is Rum?

The next few months are a repetition of this, with Rum slipping into stonerdom while more incidents with the “Horse Gelder” (as the mysterious attacker is dubbed now), and Henry continuously being thwarted in his pursuit of some pony-tail by the omnipresent flashing image (sun? grass? there was something else but he can’t remember), Herman flipping out, the bros being mysterious and whatever about this Fraternity. And Henry is no closer to solving the Horse Gelder mystery (well, he’s heard some legend about some powerful dark spirit called the Horse Gelder from the far distant land of Jazkeldan from the sorcery reference source Wizzipedia but that’s about it), and because he’s so pissed and paranoid, refuses to hang out with the bros, who keep on inviting him to nightly excursions. His live is SO HARD. There are also some plot twists and turns that propel the story forward, but I’m too lazy to think them up right now.

So Henry hits rock bottom and decides to self implode and sleeps with one of the pony girls. I haven’t decided which one. The hottest one, I guess. It is at this point that he realizes what the flashing image was. Remember the opening scene with the sun and the grass and the Gin? Yeah, that’s it. So he feels absolutely horrible and stumbles into someone, who happens to be Rum. They make up and remain best friends, although Henry confesses that he slept with one of the pony girls. High fives all around. Until Rum remembers who his sister is supposedly dating. Cue Benny Hill scene. Oh yeah, this is the climax of the movie. So they return to Sodom, where they bump into the bros who are also returning. Henry asks where they have been, and the bros reply quite frankly that they’ve been at the stables kidnapping horses and replacing them with magical dummies that look just like the real thing except dead. Harry realizes that the bros collectively are the Horse Gelder, and his paranoia was simply paranoia. They even altered Wizzipedia to make it seem real. Fun times. He asks why they gelded the horse dummies and they say that they just thought it would be funny. Oh the boys. Rum asks what they’ve been doing with the horses. The bros said they sold them off to some rich Arab sheik for booze money. Harry and Ron agree that this is reasonable. Oh screw it, I’ll call them whatever I want. So the boys plan a massive end of the year party where Herman and even Gin show up, and they party all night long. Actually, they start to party and Harry is about to confess to Ginny that he’s hooked up with the pony girls who are standing right over there when the cops bust the party. Well, that was a freebie for him. The end?

Casting:

Seriously? SERIOUSLY??

Well, for the pony girls, Jaina, Delhi, and Kaslyn, since their names sound vaguely Indian, why don’t we go with three smoking hot Bollywood actresses, say oh, I don’t know…Bipasha Basu, Katrina Kaif, and Priyanka Chopra?

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One response to “The Horse Gelder – Henry Potsdam and the Horse Gelder of Jazkeldan

  1. Big news — you’re now the #1 result for “horse gelder.” Congratulations, kiddo. And see you in LESS THAN 24 HOURS.

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