The Horse Gelder – The Vigilante

Think Sin City, especially that scene with Bruce Willis and that Yellow Bastard. And cry.

Setting: In a world where horses have become commonplace household pets thanks to a clever marketing campaign by the equestrian Ponex Corporation, the deathward spiral of global warming continues to choke the planet as more and more children want affordable ponies. In an attempt to cull the resource-intensive horse population, environmental activist Spencer Castor has taken it upon himself to sterilize as many horses as possible. It’s highly illegal, highly dangerous, and highly disgusting, but Spencer will do anything to save the planet that he loves. And so, Spencer Castor is…the Horse Gelder.


The movie starts out with a grim voice-over by Spencer, who narrates the story of how the governments of the world were successful in reducing carbon emissions to a sustainable level and things were looking good for the planet (scenes of Spencer as a hopeful activist), until Ponex arrived on the scene (dramatic music and thunder). Within a few years, Ponex was able to provide affordable ponies and pony care equipment to every goddamn little girl who wanted one. And there was nothing that the government could do about it. The ponies required far more resources than had ever been used by humans, ever. And they kept on breeding. They just kept on breeding…

The film is shot in the Frank Miller style of Sin City and 300, and we are shown a shot of the office of the environmental organization where Spencer works. Ponex ads can be seen out of the windows. We learn that the threat of global warming, which had subsided, is now starting to return, and much gnashing of teeth happens around the office. We are shown the boredom of Spencer’s 9-to-5 work life a la Fight Club, and his life at home, where he drinks and smokes while watching those goddamn Ponex commercials. We also learn that Spencer used to be a butcher before he learned about carbon footprints and started substituting bacon with tempeh in his BLTs and doing all that New Age vegetarian stuff. Then one late night, he sees an advertisement for a neutering service for dogs and cats and has an idea.

The next day, he shows up at the service with a stray dog, and tells the vet that he would like to see how it’s done. The vet is confused but complies, and is about to do a chemical neutering but Spencer wants to know how it’s done “the old-fashioned way”. And so Spencer watches and learns (the actual process is off-screen, because who would want to see that???). Next, Spencer goes to his old butcher equipment supplier, and asks for some “special” tools. Of course, this is juxtaposed with his mundane life at the office, because that’s kind of funny. And so, the Horse Gelder is born…

We are shown the first gelding job he does (with a black ski mask and whatever) in detail, which of course he does a horrible job, tripping off Ponex alarms in the Ponex stable and falling over the Ponex trough and such, but he is successful. It’s messy, but he is satisfied. We see him do more jobs with increasing efficiency and speed, and local officials have started noticing the regularity of the crimes. In particular, detective Eric Sneijder takes interest in the case and decides to investigate further. Though the police force is on the payroll of Ponex, Sneijder is an honest man who is genuinely intrigued by these bizarre crimes. So he starts to follow the trail. Indeed, Spencer has some close calls with the police on his nightly runs, and things become increasingly difficult for him.

After a particularly difficult job where he nearly attacked a police officer and unintentionally leaves some clues for Sneijder, he meets a lady named Jasmine at a bar. She is one of those Bay Area New Age hippie types who eats organic and whatever and really connects with Spencer on environmental issues, blaming Ponex for lots of the current problems. She offers Spencer a joint, and this subsequently leads to them spending the night together (it’s an unwritten law that unrelated event -> sex in these movies). The next morning, she wakes up early and says that she has to go feed her horse. Spencer becomes furious that he fraternized with “the enemy” and she is offended as well, but he learns that she was an actual legit equestrian person from an equestrian family before Ponex rolled along, and this leaves him angry and confused. As he leaves his house, he is kidnapped by some guys in dark suits.

He wakes up in the stereotypical dark room with suits guarding the door. A man enters and makes some remarks about how the Horse Gelder’s been very very bad for business while examining Spencer’s weapons of choice, and the man is revealed to be the head of Ponex. There is a heated exchange where the Ponex guy reveals that he knows exactly what sort of damage he is doing to the planet, but he doesn’t care, since he won’t be around to see the consequences of his actions, and people just want ponies. He leaves and the suits start torturing Spencer. However, Spencer somehow manages to get a hold of his weapons and kills the guards and escapes the room to find that he’s deep within Ponex Headquarters. And so an awesome action sequence where Spencer fights dozens Ponex guards armed with guns with his knives/shears! He manages to raise chaos inside the complex and blows up some things. I have not devoted much description about this part, but it will be at least 20 minutes of 300-meets-Michael Bay. Spencer finds the CEO dude, who begs for mercy, but Spencer repeats the CEO’s previous words, remarking that it seems that he won’t be around to see the consequences of his actions, and kills him through stabbage/defenestration/gelding? Something awesome, like the Die Hard series. Of course, he’s been badly injured during this entire process, and he limps out of the building, which is surrounded by police, but he is apprehended personally by Sneijder, who understands why Spencer did what he did, and looks the other way, allowing Spencer to escape. Spencer returns to Jasmine in the last scene, where they embrace. None of the consequences of the destruction of one of the world’s largest companies are even considered in this touching ending.


For Spencer, I would say Christian Bale or Mark Wahlberg. Someone awesome. Gerard Butler would be too predictable, maybe in another movie.

For Sneijder, Stephen Rea, most famous for his role in the Crying Game and in V for Vendetta as the detective dude. He’s played lots of sympathetic detective types, so I think he’d be perfect. Him or Gary Oldman. Actually, Gary Oldman might make a great Ponex CEO. Let’s let him do that.

For Jasmine, I have no idea. Suggestions?


2 responses to “The Horse Gelder – The Vigilante

  1. 1. You are now the #2 Google search result for “Horse Gelder.” You now only have to usurp that Dutch Gelderlander Horse website and you will be the winner.

    2. Jasmine, huh?

    • 1.YES. I knew I would overcome the Van Gelder Friesians one day. Dutch horse site, here I come!
      2. Yup, Jasmine. It seemed like a good equestrian person name, I don’t know why.

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