Paddy’s Dream House: The Man Cave

Disclaimer: These are the dreams of Paddy the Manic Pixie Dream Guy, not the author. These views in no way reflect those of the author. I repeat, the author is not representing his views through a fictional character named Paddy. Unless Paddy starts talking about a walk-in beer fridge. My god, I want one of those.

Hi guys! Today I’m going to talk about what kind of man cave I plan to have at my dream house that I’ll have when I have enough money to have a dream house, since having a dream house on a mortgage isn’t actually that cool, since I’ll lost my house when I lose my job, and then things would suck cause my dream house would be right there, but I couldn’t have it! Anyway, here are my plans!

Okay, so you know how in movies and stuff all the cool guys have man caves where they do all sort of fun stuff like play video games and rock out and just have some peace and quiet away from the old chain and ball? Not that the woman I’d marry would be a chain and ball because I’d love her very very much because she’d be like the most amazing person in the world which is why I would have married her, but you know, sometimes it might be nice to get away when she’s in a really bad mood or something, like something went bad at work like her boss got jealous of her because she was so awesome or maybe I might have forgotten some groceries that she really wanted from the market (cause I’m forgetful like that sometimes) and maybe she really wanted to pick a fight with someone but I really don’t like those situations because I’m a pacifist and it really hurts when people say mean things to me, cause even though I might seem silly and oblivious at times, I really really am self-conscious and it really doesn’t help when people say mean things to me, and then I get upset and sulk and I guess a man cave would be a good place to sulk since I can be alone by myself and distract myself with all the awesome things that I’d have in the man cave that my wife or live-in girlfriend (I guess a live-in girlfriend is also perfectly acceptable since you know, a man cave implies a space that is separate from your significant other because otherwise there’d be no use in making a separate man cave since you’d be living alone but then again I guess a dream house without the person I love wouldn’t be a dream house but a really nice house so since I’m talking about my dream house right now we can just assume that I’ll be married to a most amazing girl who’s smart and beautiful and laughs at all my jokes even when they aren’t funny because she’s superunderstanding and knows that I get really hurt when people don’t like the jokes that I really really worked hard on to make them happy!) wouldn’t approve of because she thinks they’re silly and childish but she understands that I might have my unreasonable needs and let me stuff them in my man cave and occasionally play with them when I need my alone time or she’s in a bad mood like I said which is awesome because she’s amazingly understanding like that and I LOVE HER SO MUCH!

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want in my man cave in my dream house and I decided that I really want a nice desk where I can sit and write things or maybe even draw things since I used to do that when I was little and it would be really cool to just doodle things because I haven’t done that in a long time and I think it would really keep the creative juices in my mind grapes flowing, so it would be really nice to have some sort of office space to do that, though the purpose of a man cave isn’t exactly a private office, so I’d definitely have other things like a whole space for recording studio equipment and stuff with a drum set and a nice keyboard and maybe some mikes and of course my guitars which I will have started collecting by then because I really think that it would be a cool hobby to have and much cheaper than collecting cars which I don’t really think would be a great idea since they take up a lot of space and guitars grant so many more bragging rights than silly things like coins or stamps and even if you don’t play them you still look pretty legit with a couple axes hanging around, so I guess that I can store them in the man cave and test them out on a variety of amps whenever I want, to figure out what sound I really like, I mean I’m not that great of a guitar player now since I only started a few years ago but I figure by the time that I can actually make this dream house come true I’ll be able to play a lot of the songs that I wanted to play when I started out, like all the Eric Clapton songs and all the songs on Guitar Hero, which I’ll also have in my man cave since even though my wife would probably be cool enough to enjoy the occasional video game I don’t think that she would appreciate having it inside the house in case I really had the urge to play it and she happened to be watching some TV show that she really liked and then I’d try to beg her to watch it on TiVo or something but then she’d get angry and I really really don’t want to make her angry so I guess it’s in everyone’s best interests to keep the video games in the man cave, and I guess I’ll have all the contemporary video game console systems since I’ve noticed that all of the current systems have different really good games that I want but no one console has all of them which I think is really sad but then I guess that would just make the consoles all the same which would also be sad, and my friends who would visit to hang out would be really sad if I happened to not have a particular system that they wanted to play on, though I guess they’d be too impressed with the really nice flat-screen TV and luxurious furniture (I’m planning on having a nice big sofa that I can sleep on on the nights that I get in big fights with my wife which is bound to happen sometime though it pains me to imagine, but I would rather have her sleep in the house because it would probably be my fault and I’d probably make it up to her in the morning by making her a really nice breakfast of her favorite breakfast foods and maybe some nice flowers as an apology and hope that she won’t be angry with me cause I’d be depressed if she was and that would mean that I would have to sleep in the man cave again, so I guess I’d need a really nice comfy sofa or else I’d be super miserable) to complain, so I guess it wouldn’t be too bad, and if they were musically inclined we could jam together with the really nice equipment that I have although I guess I would have to soundproof the man cave really tightly so that the neighbors aren’t bothered by me rocking out by myself or with a couple of friends since you know I’ll turn it all the way up to eleven though probably not too often since I want to preserve my hearing which might get bad if I rock out too much, but I think I’ll definitely need to soundproof the man cave not to bother anyone, although if I soundproof the thing, no one would have any idea what I was doing in there which is good in terms of privacy but what if a serial killer snuck in and I was fighting for my life and no one had any idea that I was doing anything other than playing video games or something and they’d find my murdered body days later when people started noticing that I wasn’t at work for a few days or my wife noticed that I was gone and hadn’t thought of looking into the man cave since I told her not to enter under any circumstances although I guess that kind of language might make me seem like a serial killer trying to hide bodies in my man cave or something, so I guess I really should have some kind of safety system in place to compensate for the fact that in the man cave, no one can hear me scream, just like that Alien movie which really scared me and I guess it would really suck if one of those aliens showed up in my man cave because it would probably scratch up the really nice floor that I will have laid instead of carpet since it’s much easier to mop up things than wash stains out of carpets and I would like the man cave to seem marginally pristine, and in addition to most probably killing me, the alien would also smash up the beautiful minibar that would have stocked in the man cave with all sorts of really nice spirits and a fridge to store bottles of nice beer and other fridge-worthy drinks and a wine fridge to store some nice wines to enjoy by myself and probably one of those beer taps that they have in bars in case I have a party in the man cave when there’s a lady’s night in the house or something and I want to treat the guys to a nice draft beer, and well I guess an alien probably wouldn’t show up in my man cave so it’s just a hypothetical, but there might be problems about soundproofing a man cave since people might become suspicious like in the movie Disturbia where Shia LaBeouf suspects his neighbor of being a serial killer and it would be a real hassle if someone thought that I was a serial killer when all I wanted was some privacy to enjoy some hobbies in my man cave but I guess I could befriend that person after getting over the misunderstanding and hang out with them in the man cave and show them that I’m just a really cool person who happens to not be a suspicious serial killer type who destroys the evidence in a kiln that he supposedly uses for pottery, just like Kevin Costner in that movie where he was a serial killer with a man cave, but I would never do that since pottery is messy and I really don’t want to set my man cave on fire on accident because I put a lot of work into it and my pretty guitars would be really really flammable not to mention that I want to stay on the right side of the law so I’ll make sure to check and see if a man cave that all this equipment is okay with the local officials, with whom I probably won’t hang out not because I don’t like them but because I kinda feel awkward around authority figures like that and I don’t think I’d appreciate my man cave as much if it was awkward, I mean I’d rather hang out with my wife in the man cave and everyone should know that that is a definite nono so yeah I’ll just check with the officials at city hall or whatever but I think it should be fine since it’ll only be one-story tall and at most some plumbing will be required for a sink to clean the barware and provide water for the icemaker and possible a bathroom since a good house should have lots and lots of nice bathrooms and my house is supposed to be a dream house!

Of course I just realized that you might think that I’ll be pimping out the man cave to be so much more awesome than the other rooms in my house but believe me, I want to spend as much time planning out the other rooms in my house, because I know that the man cave is somewhere that I want to be some of the time, but if it’s too awesome, I’ll be spending all my time in it and I don’t think people will appreciate that so I think I won’t stock it with everything like a kitchen or something cause then it would just be a really sweet studio apartment and even though I’ve occasionally dreamed of living in a sweet penthouse suite or something in the big city where there are like barely any walls, I don’t think that it would be a great place to raise kids because I really want to have two or three kids and I feel like that would be something more for a high-flying single investment banker than someone who’s married and has kids, although I have to admit that a penthouse would allow for some pretty awesome parties since you could see all of the city and there wouldn’t be any walls so no one would bump into anything if they had too many drinks which would obviously happen since I really like to overstock on drinks which I’ll probably do at my dream house since I really like to host parties both the classy quiet cocktail parties and the really loud beer and hard alcohol parties although I guess that I won’t be able to have many of the latter in my dream house since the neighbors would probably complain about that a lot and I really want to be on good relations with the neighbors and have really nice barbecues with them and possibly hang out with them in my man cave because that’s what you’re supposed to do to show neighbors a good time, not wake them up in the middle of the night by hosting some crazy party right next to their bedroom window, though I guess since it would be like an all house party or something, it wouldn’t just be the bedroom window but all the windows on that side of the house, but I guess the neighbors could have placed the bedroom on the other side of their house so the party wouldn’t disturb them that much but then again, I’d have neighbors on both sides and I would guess that at least one of them would have at least one bedroom facing our house because I’d be kind of offended if both sides were facing away from me and I don’t think that I would be happy enough to show them my man cave if they ever decided to visit, which I doubt they would if they were facing away from my house, but who knows, they might be nice people since they’d be my dream neighbors in my dream neighborhood where my dream house would be and I’d be living the dream life with my dream family, and it will be amazing!

Okay bye.

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