Warning: Might be slightly, vaguely offensive and confusing in places. Has only been marginally edited, so read at your own risk.
(Inside the theater. The theater is packed except for GREG’s nine seats, a seat on the second row and two seats on the edge of the first row for NORAH and JACK, the happy couple. For convenience, the seats shown will be in a 5X4(5 rows, 4 columns) facing the audience, with the aisle on the right side of the seating area. MOVIE LOVER, a nervous looking man in a turtleneck sweater, is sitting in the third row, right next to the aisle. A family of four, MOM, DAD, JILL, and KENNY, are sitting in the back row, with MOM and DAD on the edges. JILL and KENNY, who would rather watch the latest High School Musical movie, have obviously been dragged to one of their parents’ educational screenings and are visibly and verbally annoyed. ELDERLY GENTLEMAN and GRANDDAUGHTER are in the front row together. GRANDDAUGHTER, of around age 20, has taken her sweet grandfather out to watch an oldie. TIM, a man in his early 30s, is sitting in the fourth row. TIM is an off-duty policeman, something that will be important later. GREG enters from the back, with a coffee and a face of utter disdain.)
GREG
(Looks over the occupants of the cinema.)
Ugh. What happened to quality control in movie theaters?
(Walks over to the third row, where MOVIE LOVER is sitting in the aisle seat. MOVIE LOVER looks up at him fearfully.)
Let me guess…
(Puts his finger to his chin in mock contemplation)
Single, probably lives with his collection of musical albums including-
(Makes sound of disgust)
Wicked, works at a job where there’s no chance of going up-
MOVIE LOVER
I-I’m just here to watch the movie-
GREG
(Holds his finger up to silence him)
Whoops. I meant, where HE’s got no chance of going up, and lives vicariously through his collection of classic movies which he’s been watching for decades, since they magically transport him to a world that isn’t the reality that he’s still not ready to face.
MOVIE LOVER
(Silence)
I-I…
GREG
(Disapprovingly)
What are you doing with your life?
MOVIE LOVER
(Rises up from seat)
I-I should go…
(Looks around, laughs nervously, and runs away)
GREG
(To himself)
Yeah, you were in the way.
(Sidles into his seat and sits back.)
Ah, much better.
(Glances at the empty seat of the MOVIE LOVER and shrugs.)
(The movie screen is starting to show movie previews. The screening of previews is depicted by lights flickering in the direction of the stage and onto the faces of the actors. GREG is visibly disgusted with the previews of new movies.)
GREG
Twilight? Good lord, they’re making that oversized description of that sissy vampire boy into a movie? Who on earth would go watch that?
JILL
OMG. Mom, we, like, totally have to see that. Edward Cullen is SO hot!
(GREG looks back in disbelief)
KENNY
(Groans)
That was such a stupid book
JILL
Shut up, you little twerp. You never read the book.
KENNY
The cover looked stupid.
JILL
Well, you know what they say about judging books by their covers…
KENNY
What do they say?
JILL
Shut up you jerk. I’m trying to remember! Never judge…a book…cover…
(GREG covers his face in disbelief)
MOM
Never judge a book by its cover, sweetheart.
KENNY
Haha, you couldn’t even get that right.
JILL
I thought I told you to shut up!
(Starts swatting at KENNY)
KENNY
Ow! Mom!
MOM
Now, honey, we’re at the movies, so behave.
JILL
But-
DAD
No buts, Jilly-billy. We’re here to see a good movie, not to fight.
JILL
Dad, I know that, I’m not 14, you know. I’m a freshman in high school now.
MOM
We know, baby.
JILL
I’m not a baby, mom!
KENNY
Haha, baby.
JILL
Ugh! Why are we watching this movie, mom? We could be watching 90210 right now. Naomi’s supposed to hook up with Ryan tonight!
DAD
Isn’t Ryan her teacher?
JILL
Yeah, so?
MOM
Honey, you know we don’t like you watching that kind of television-
GREG
Excuse me, madam. Are you afraid that watching 90210 might be bad for your daughter’s intelligence?
MOM
Why, how did you know?
GREG
(Smiles unsincerely)
I know these things. And I can say with confidence that you don’t have to worry about your daughter.
MOM
(Hopeful)
Really?
GREG
Yeah, she’s so dumb that I doubt even watching a stupid show like 90210 could possibly have a negative effect on her intelligence.
DAD
What on earth-
GREG
Let me demonstrate.
(To JILL)
What’s the most populated country in the world?
JILL
Um, like, California?
GREG
(To MOM and DAD)
See? She won’t be getting into any AP classes. Great job parenting, you two!
DAD
(Angrily)
Hey you-
GREG
Shhh. Mind your manners, we’re in a movie theater. Wouldn’t want to set a bad example for little Kenny there, would you?
(Nods knowingly to KENNY)
Isn’t that right, Kenny?
KENNY
(In awe of this stranger)
Yeah…hey mister-
GREG
Didn’t your parents tell you not to talk to strangers?
MOM
Excuse me, but we won’t be treated like this-
GREG
Oh really? Shut up and watch the movie. There are other people here, you know?
(The family is upset in general, but shut up. TIM is looking increasingly uncomfortable and conflicted, as if he doesn’t know whether to do something about GREG or not.)
GREG
Much better.
(Looks at screen and is displeased)
Madagascar 2? Didn’t poachers finish those animals off?
(The previews are done, and the overture to My Fair Lady starts playing.)
GRANDFATHER
(To GRANDDAUGHTER)
You know, I remember the day I first saw this movie. It was Christmas, 1964, opening day. Audrey Hepburn was gorgeous, everyone knows that, so much better than the broad that was on Broadway.
(GREG overhears this and seems interested in a dangerous way.)
GRANDDAUGHTER
Oh really? Wasn’t Julie Andrews the one on Broadway?
GRANDFATHER
She was, sweetheart. I saw My Fair Lady on Broadway, and, well, Julie Andrews wasn’t that special.
GRANDDAUGHTER
You saw Julie Andrews?
GRANDDAUGHTER
Oh yeah, of course. Terrific singer. But not Hollywood material. Easy to see why the studios wanted Audrey-
GREG
(Leaning forward)
It’s because the studios didn’t think Julie Andrews had a Hollywood presence at the time, so they went with Hepburn instead. But guess who won the Oscar for Best Actress that year? Julie Andrews, not Hepburn. The actress who you suggested “wasn’t Hollywood material”.
GRANDFATHER
Why, thank you, young man. I didn’t know that.
GREG
You’re welcome, sir. Oh, and she just wants your money.
GRANDFATHER
Excuse me?
GREG
She doesn’t love you, that’s not why she’s doing it.
GRANDFATHER
What on earth are you talking about?
GREG
(Indicating GRANDDAUGHTER)
She’s a golddigger. She’s sleeping with you for the money.
GRANDFATHER
(Horrified)
That’s my granddaughter!
GREG
Oh really? Well then, sorry about that. Unless, you know, she wants you to put in a good word for her in you will. Let’s face it gramps, your years are numbered.
GRANDDAUGHTER
That’s a terrible thing to say!
(GREG leans back and ignores them. GRANDFATHER and GRANDDAUGHTER stare at him in horror and then turn away, shaking their heads.)
GREG
Ah, thank god that awful couple isn’t here. I bet they’re in the bathroom having sex or something.
(As soon as GREG says this, JACK and NORAH walk in, JACK holding a tub of popcorn and NORAH holding two drinks. They walk noisily up to the front row.)
GREG
(Groans)
Oh come on.
JACK
Well, sunshine, here are our seats.
NORAH
(Pouting)
But Jacky-poo, I don’t like these seats!
JACK
Hmm, well, these are our seats, unless…
(Sees the empty seats in front of GREG)
How about these, bunny?
NORAH
(Smiles)
Much better!
(GREG looks on in disbelief as they sidle into the seats that GREG paid for.)
GREG
Hey!
(JACK and NORAH do not notice.)
HEY!
(JACK and NORAH turn their heads.)
Those aren’t your seats.
JACK
Well, I mean, how do you know that?
GREG
(Waves his tickets)
Because I bought those seats!
NORAH
Are people going to be sitting here?
GREG
God forbid, of course not!
JACK
Well then, can’t we sit here?
GREG
Do you really think that I bought tickets just so that you could sit in them?
NORAH
Please! Can’t we sit here?
GREG
No!
JACK
Why not?
GREG
They’re my seats!
NORAH
But no one’s sitting in them.
GREG
That’s not the point!
JACK
Listen man-
GREG
(Standing from his seat)
No, you listen, “man”. I am not going to let you or your little girl here to take my seats. I paid for them, with my money. My money. And I wouldn’t let anyone take them from me, much less idiots like you. Isn’t it enough that because of “casual” moviegoers like you, we got stuck with a lip-syncing twig of an actress –
(Pointing violently at the screen, obviously indicating Audrey Hepburn)
-while the better actress was pushed aside because you had no idea who she was? You just had to crush her all over again, didn’t you?
TIM
(Rising from his seat)
Sir, I really don’t think that’s necessary-
GREG
(Pointing at TIM)
You shut up.
TIM
Sir-
GREG
Oh, and who are you? No wait, let me guess. Sense of self-righteousness, watching a movie alone, you’re probably some overgrown Boy Scout who still lives with his parents. Tell me, how many more badges do you need to become an Eagle Scout?
TIM
Sir, I would appreciate it if you sat down.
GREG
And I would like to be Eliza Doolittle! Wouldn’t it be loverly?
(Quick transition to courthouse. GREG is standing in front of a JUDGE, and TIM is standing right behind him. It turns out TIM is a cop.)
JUDGE
(Sighs)
Now, Mr. McCarthy, normally I would write this off as a minor misunderstanding, but-
GREG
So? What’s it going to be?
JUDGE
(Sighs)
Since this isn’t the first time, Mr. McCarthy, I’m going to charge you for disorderly conduct-
GREG
Oh? I’m disorderly now?
JUDGE
Would you like to add contempt of court to that, Mr. McCarthy?
GREG
Does it look like I care?
JUDGE
(Sighs)
I’m sentencing you to 6 months of therapy sessions and monitoring by a specialist appointed by me, and if I believe that you haven’t changed by that time, I’ll extend the sentence indefinitely.
GREG
What? Is that even allowed?
JUDGE
Yes, it is, Mr. McCarthy.
GREG
That’s ridiculous! Can’t I just pay bail?
JUDGE
That’s not the point, Mr. McCarthy. You need to change your ways.
GREG
I don’t need to change anything-
JUDGE
The specialist will visit you tomorrow morning. Court dismissed.
(Bangs gavel, black out)
(END SCENE)
