The Horse Gelder-World War Horse

This will be like a cross between Saving Private Ryan and 300. Except better.

Setting: As the electric car continued to remain a distant dream, the world’s scientists considered a return to a traditional method of transportation: the horse. With the recent breakthroughs in bioengineering, a leading biotech company was able to create a race of superhorses, far more powerful and faster than the previous generations of horses, capable of traveling long distances in times nearly similar to that of commercial automobiles. However, in their arrogance, scientists attempted to instill a sense of docility and loyalty to their human masters, instead awakening the sentient potential of the superhorse. As the horses grew stronger and more intelligent, they started to question the necessity of their weak human masters. And so rebellion erupted. Though the humans had a vast advantage in their technological prowess, their weapons were quite futile against the equine monstrosities that they had created, and soon, humanity was on the brink of being wiped out by the new master race. In a desperate attempt to prevent their own extinction, humans developed a serum that would reverse the genetic modifications that made the superhorses so powerful, reducing them to sterile, docile farm animals. Weaponized, this breakthrough could turn the tide in the battle for the survival of humanity. The weaponized serum, known as the Horse Gelder, has been distributed in the form of conventional firearms, but in order to ensure victory, it must disseminated more rapidly. Recent tests of a Horse Gelding bomb have been successful, but a pilot has gone missing behind enemy lines. It is now the objective of a team of the world’s finest soldiers to find out what happened.


The movie starts out with the narrator AKA the Captain speaking about the aforementioned history of the war against the uberhorses. We are shown a series of scenes in chronological order, starting with the bankruptcy of Tesla, then scientists injecting the superhorse serum into a horse, horses being utilized instead of cars, and horses becoming aware of their power in their stables (think diabolical glint in a horse’s eye), finally erupting in an horrifying uprising where horses go absolutely berserk on their owners. Then we are shown the military efforts of humans against the horses, with the superhorses trampling soldiers right and left and overrunning military bases and scaring the crap out of the audience. It’ll be like the beginning of Transformers, except there won’t be as many explosions. Horses don’t explode. Then we see scientists develop a serum, codenamed the Horse Gelder. It is shown to have the effect of weakening the horses permanently, returning them to the state of domesticated horses. Then we are shown battle scenes where humans seem to have a chance. All of this takes place in the first couple of minutes.

The story starts off in an intense battle. We are shown how horrifying the superhorses are in battle (“They’re too fast!” and “It’s right behind yo-AGGHHNNH!” etc). However, the captain and his men show up and do awesome things with their horse gelding guns (ooh gelding gun? I think I shall call it that) and totally kicking ass. They emerge victorious and return to HQ, where a senior military officer shall brief them about a situation regarding the new gelding bomb and a plane that went missing during a test run deep behind enemy lines. Because they’re so awesome, it is their task to find out what happened.

The team is airlifted into horse territory deep in the wilderness of Eastern Europe which of course merits an awesome skydiving/landing scene with them surprise-attacking a horse patrol. The next hour or so of the movie will be an adrenaline-packed journey where the team faces an enemy that is seldom seen or heard before it attacks (often), and they continue to trek through awesome locations in Eastern Europe, sort of like a WWII movie.

Eventually they make it to the wreckage of the plane, which has been commandeered by the superhorses, and the team rescues the pilot, who has hidden himself after the crash. They learn that a strain of the superhorses has developed an immunity to the Horse Gelder, and that the horses have realized this and are planning a massive attack to wipe out humanity’s last defenses. The captain radios HQ to warn them of the impending attack, but it is clear that their team is the only thing that can stall the attack until a counterattack force can be mobilized. Luckily, they are equipped not only with gelding rounds, but conventional bullets as well. And so the captain comes up with a plan to ambush the horse army and confuse them by manipulating their instincts until reinforcements arrive. This is possible because of the captain’s knowledge of horse mentality due to his life as a rancher previous to the war.I don’t have an actual battle plan yet, that’s what consultants are for.

This climactic scene will be the last third or so of the film, a hybrid of 300 and the last battle scene in Saving Private Ryan, with lots of man-to-horse fighting towards the end. At first, it may seem like the team has a chance with the horses being caught by surprise, but those wily equines quickly regroup and start fighting back with devastating consequences. We are shown the demises of many of the soldiers, all drawn out and extremely dramatic. In the end, the captain sacrifices himself to save the youngest member of the team a la Tom Hanks and Matt Damon, and as it seems that every single soldier will be wiped out, air support arrives and saves them. The film concludes as they are helicoptered away, with the aftermath of the battle left ambiguous. This way, we can create a sequel if the response is good. Of course, it won’t be. I mean, glorifying violence in general is one thing, but specifically glorifying the sterilization of horses? PETA will have my head!


I don’t know, there have to be a lot of manly men, I don’t really care who plays what, but I’d some suggestions: Daniel Craig, Hugh Jackman, Eric Bana, Gerard Butler, Djimon Hounsou, Daniel Henney, Henry Cavill, and Viggo Mortensen as the grizzled ex-Special Forces commander. It’ll be like Troy, but 300 times manlier.


4 responses to “The Horse Gelder-World War Horse

  1. “…finally erupting in an horrifying uprising where horses go absolutely berserk on their owners.”

    more like HORSEifying. AMIRITE?

    also, what do you mean the horses don’t explode?

    • Have you ever thrown a grenade at a horse?
      ….not that I have, but I imagine the result isn’t exactly the stuff of Michael Bay’s dreams.


  2. This made my day.

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