Topping Hallmark’s Crass Commercialization of Holidays

Disclaimer: The author does not have the knowledge to speak authoritatively on the following subject. So he’ll just speak on the following subject.

How do you do it? You make your own holidays, then convince people that they have to observe it by buying useless things! It’s brilliant! Speaking of which, today (7.14) is Silver Day in Korea, a special day to show your appreciation for that special person by giving them a brand-new silver accessory. Or a vial of mercury. Anyway, here are some other special days in Korea that are rooted in the deep Korean tradition of commercializing holidays that don’t actually exist.

January 14th: Diary Day

Since it’s the first fake holiday of a new year, it should have to do something with new beginnings, right? Well, not really! On this day, lovers (or significant others, hookups, friends with benefits, whatever works for you) give each other brand new diaries to record your memories of the new year! Either that or only one person receives it and they get in a big fight and the first entry deals with how stupid a holiday this is.

February 14th: Valentine’s Day

Contrary to Western practices, Valentine’s Day in the Far East is when girls give guys chocolates, and not the other way around. And there’s no socialist practices in schools where kids have to give sweets to everybody. No, they don’t do commie stuff like ‘sharing’ here. It’s a great opportunity for a girl to show how much a certain guy in her life means to her. For me, it’s a great opportunity to buy chocolate in bulk, especially in the post-Valentine Day sales. Seriously, you should see the prices of Ferrero Rocher on February 15th. It warms my heart oh so very much.

March 14th: White Day

This is the counterpart to Valentine’s Day, when the guys give the girls candy. Now, I have no idea why guys get the chocolate and the girls get the candy, but the post-holiday sales are all the same to me. So yay.

April 14th: Black Day

This is when the losers and dregs of society who weren’t capable of participating in the previous two holidays commiserate their unfortunate existences while being frowned upon and spat on by the rest of the population. I’m just kidding, they’re only frowned upon.

May 14th: Rose Day

People have pleasant dates with roses on this day. I am assuming that roses are in season in May, or else that’s a really terrible idea. Or a brilliant business scheme…

June 14th: Kiss Day

No, this isn’t when you exchange kisses with your partner. Only if you guys met on the 14th. Of any month, I’m presuming, since it wouldn’t be a holiday if it was just for people who met on June 14th, it would be an anniversary.

July 14th: Silver Day

Previously explained, this holiday doesn’t really present me with any good business plans, since I don’t think the price of silver drops on the day after, and besides, who invests in silver? The Spanish Armada?

August 14th: Green Day

I thought that this was supposed to be a day when you brought out your guitar and serenaded your significant other with power chords and pop-punk riffs or go for a drive in a hybrid, but apparently not. You’re supposed to enjoy a nice date…in the woods…hmmm….I think I’ll go with the Prius idea.

September 14th: Photo Day

You take a picture of you and your loved one, and you share the photo. Therefore, you can do the awesome ripped-in-half photo thing if things go south!

October 14th: Wine Day

This is the day you enjoy a nice wine with that special person. Actually, there’s nothing about the wine having to be nice, so whatever. I don’t know if they do wine sales around this time, and if they do, they probably sell the kinds of wines that are actually sparkling wines that aren’t wines but actually fizzy fruit juice? So I don’t know.

November 11th: Pepero Day

My favorite of the fake holidays, because it’s PEPERO DAY!!! For those of you who don’t know what Pepero is, it’s basically a Korean version of Pocky, except BETTER! This is the only fake holiday where people give things to people whom they are not necessarily interested in. It’s the closest thing Korea’s got to socialism. Great opportunity to stockpile on sweets till February.

November 14th: Movie Day

This is when couples go and watch a romantic movie together. To those of you intending to observe this day, I strongly recommend He’s Just Not That Into You. It’s a great date movie, I’m sure.

December 14th: Hug Day

Pretty self-explanatory, don’t you think?

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