It is a little known fact that I once used to be involved in equestrian activities. You see, in my youth a couple years back, I was once a rider on our school’s equestrian team, doing jumps over bars and things like that. I was actually somewhat good at it, winning medals and ribbons in regional competitions. Well, not medals or ribbons, but nicely printed certificates. Unfortunately, my promising career as an amateur equestrian was cut short by a tragic loss of interest in the sport, and the only remnants of my equestrian past are a pair of britches, boots, and a nice helmet. And memories of playing hour-long mind games with horses. Damn horses. Oh, and a couple friends on the equestrian team.
Slightly related to that, in recent months a friend and I had the idea of writing a script for a movie called “The Horse Gelder”. Now, that might sound slightly like a knock-off of “The Horse Whisperer”, but I assure you, a horse gelder does not whisper to horses. No, to geld a horse means to, well, neuter it. There’s a Wikipedia article on the subject, if you’re curious. Naturally, this horrified the aforementioned equestrian team friends, but my other friend and I became slightly obsessed with the idea and created a romantic comedy version, a dystopian sci-fi version, and several other versions that should be somewhere on his blog. However, this project was halted with the arrival of baconmania. Movie scripts didn’t really seem interesting in the face of bacon chocolate and bacon things.
In an attempt to alienate my most dedicated reader base (sorry pony girls), I have decided to embark on an effort to revisit this project by publishing weekly a brand new (or slightly recycled) synopsis for a movie titled “The Horse Gelder”. If one day I become a wildly successful and rich movie producer, this will be the project that I will try to realize to bring down the cinema empire that I have created. Each of the films, each of varying genres and subjects and only tied together by the inclusion of a man (or woman) who castrates horses, will be titled “The Horse Gelder”, so that if the movies are produced and released on DVD, people who want to see the really good ones will have to accidentally buy the bad ones and thus raise DVD sales. This will continue until someone writes an impassioned letter telling me to stop, a movie studio offers me a job and writing credits, or I find a new hobby.