Review: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

My brain was obliterated watching too much awesomeness

My brain was obliterated watching too much awesomeness

Warning: The following review may suffer from exposure to excessive amounts of awesomeness, leading to excessive mention of robots and explosions.

Synopsis: OMG EXPLOSIONS AND ROBOTS AND SPECIAL EFFECTS GALORE! Shiny transforming robots come to Earth, robots blow up other transforming robots, robots blow up people, people blow up robots, and lots of explosions all around. Oh, and Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBoeuf) goes to a college that looks suspiciously like Yale, leaves behind his hot girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox), and proceeds to go “A Beautiful Mind” all over campus. Robots arrive to blow up campus, Paris, an aircraft carrier, and several UNESCO World Heritage Sites. In other words, OMG EXPLOSIONS AND ROBOTS AND SPECIAL EFFECTS GALORE!

Recommended for: People who want to indulge their inner child in the best way possible: robots and explosions. There really isn’t any better way to satisfy your prepubescent needs, unless Michael Bay decides to make a Transformers movie with the Dinobots involved. I think my inner child just had a heart attack imagining transforming robot dinosaurs. So did I. Also for people who want to see what the new Terminator movie should’ve been like. I really wanted to see lots of robots and lots of explosions in that movie, but all I got was a shiny rejuvenated Governator. This movie gave me what I wanted.

Review: When critics said that “He’s Just Not That Into You” sucked, I agreed. When critics said that “Terminator Salvation” sucked, I thought, “eh, I guess so”. But when critics said that “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” sucked, I said, “NO IT DOESN’T! YOU’RE STUPID! YOU’RE ALL STUPID!” And then I went to see it. And they are all stupid.

Actually, the critics had some valid points. The dialogue was cheesy at best, the romantic subplot was silly, and the humor was juvenile (lots of dog humping, a hysterical mother, a hysterical mother with pot brownies-actually, that’s pretty funny). To them I ask, “So what?” That’s not why we watch Transformers movies! But those bad bits are put there for a reason. Those slow, awkward, terrible scenes are included so that we aren’t overwhelmed by the awesomeness that makes up 90% of the movie. I mean, do you think that people actually enjoy the aperitifs that come between courses in really long and expensive (and therefore awesome) meals? I don’t think so. But two really good dishes in a row can be somewhat overwhelming. Therefore, you need the awkward scenes where Megan Fox pouts while Shia LaBoeuf tries to explain why he should be forgiven for being a terrible boyfriend.

And I have to say, the critics have a point when they say that the movie is loud and too long. Yes, I thought the movie was too long. There should be a legal limit on the length of awesomeness that happens in a movie, because frankly, towards the end of the two and a half hour epic that is Transformers 2, I was feeling a little faint of heart. The last couple of action scenes just blew my mind. I won’t say what they were, since that would ruin the fun (not really), but let’s just say, it’s awesome. Awesome beyond belief. I might’ve blacked out a bit in the movie theater while squealing with joy. I don’t remember.

Seriously, if you like having a good time (I ask this because apparently some people don’t), you should definitely see this movie. Don’t try to analyze it, don’t try to dissect it scene-by-scene, and most certainly don’t take it seriously (unless you are one those who dreams that there are robots in disguise). You will have a really fun two and a half hours. You won’t even remember the bad parts. I didn’t, and you know that I can remember the bad parts. WATCH THIS MOVIE!

Lessons Learned:

Critics can’t enjoy movies: Some of the many criticisms that “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” has faced from these so-called movie critics basically say that the movie is all shiny special effects and bad dialogue. Well, what did you expect? Some philosophical banter between Sam and Mikaela as the Autobots contemplate the ethical nature of their intervention on Earth, and Megatron struggles with the better part of his soul, leading to his demise at the hands of his Iago-esque lieutenant Starscream? Actually, that might’ve made a pretty good movie, but we just want robots and explosions. So should you.

When a hot girl seems to want you, there’s probably a catch: Like, she might just want to get back at her boyfriend, or maybe she’s just an alien robot who wants to extract your brain for information. Just saying, if you think it’s too good to be true, it probably is. And you should run for your life and return to that hot girlfriend of yours. What on earth was Shia LaBeouf thinking?

Lame romantic subplots can be remedied with explosions: Lots and lots of explosions. Seriously, I didn’t have the time be annoyed at the dozens of times Shia LaBoeuf avoided dropping the ‘L’ word (that’s “love” as in “I love you” for the uninitiated) on Megan Fox because I was eagerly awaiting the next occasion for an explosion to occur. Even the conclusion of that particular subplot was accompanied by 800-pound bombs courtesy of the US military. Which equals lots and lots of explosions.

Movie studios can’t really get the college experience right: Yeah, especially the frat party scenes. Unless their objective is to portray some really bad frat parties that only a few people go to. In which case they sort of succeed. But they keep on trying. They’ve even gotten a little more hip, including some 21st century lingo like internet start-ups and…. yeah that’s about it. In the mean time, studios continue to perpetuate the false notion that college is full of skimpily clad hot coeds who will shed clothing on a whim. I found out the hard way that it was just a lie. But at least they blew up half the campus.

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